So I had to fly out to LA yesterday. I took my window seat in the plane and, having seen the shrieking children in the lobby, sat back with oriental fatalism to await their inevitable arrival in the adjoining seats. To my surprise, they perched many rows in front of me. I breathed a sigh of relief, never suspecting that a much grimmer fate awaited me.
It came in the form of a rotund woman with a moon-like, expressionless face. She sat in the aisle seat, and began a verbal assault on the passive woman next to her, who occasionally returned a mechanical nod. Her voice was shrill, piercing, and metallic, occasionally punctuated by a laugh with all the charm of fingernails dragged across a blackboard. She kept it up, never wavering, never faltering, never slackening, for the whole-damn-trip.
I thought I would get a reprieve in the form of a tray of food that a merciful flight attendant brought her, but it was a vain hope. She kept up the barrage without missing a stroke even as she shoveled it down. The ordeal only ended after she had blocked my exit for a few more excruciating moments while she exchanged “pleasantries” with the captain about his skill at landing the plane.
My question is, if we have become so skilled at genetic engineering, and so advanced in the various sub-fields of computer science, couldn’t we give evolution a little nudge? How about breeding a new class of humans with radio buttons in their skulls so you could turn them the hell off on public transportation, perhaps administering a fatal shock to their cell phones in the process? Throw me a bone here!
Well, dear readers, every cloud has a silver lining. I finally escaped, and, hardened infidel that I am, when I did I experienced the joys of paradise. You know what they say about hitting yourself on the head with a hammer. It feels so good when you stop.